Do you enjoy Good - By's?
Dear inner circle friends,
my visit here in my old home country Germany is coming to an end.
And what a journey it has been. As I told you before I have been visiting my mum, who had 2 operations during my time here and required support. I also have taken on the job of looking after the hotel while my ex-husband was in New Zealand. And here is what I have learned.
I knew when this journey started that there was much to be released and let go of here in Germany for me. It felt like the right time to release some very old patterns of mine and I guess that of my heritage too. I knew in my heart that it was not a lot about the job in the hotel itself. But the way I 'work' it this time.
It felt I was being propelled back in time and Mayschoss, the place where I stay currently, is a place that is holding that time so people who live here are kind of shut out from everything else that is going on around the world. Really weird in a way. Pretty soon I found myself doing 18 to 20 hour shifts like I used to when I started my career in hospitality. Nothing 'new'. Yet I didn't get exhausted, like I did last time. I didn't feel I have anything to proof. I know I am really good in organizing, dealing with different layers at the same time and tuning into people. There was much chaos here on many levels and some energetic disturbances.I noticed how I felt really 'alive' being challenged by so many problems at the same time. It was like: "Come on everyone- give me one more". Pretty soon did I notice that I was missing the point. Those problems could not be changed in the 'outside' world , as I often teach it to you. I had to transform them from the source. Funny how I fell into that place for a while. And I noticed that I simply thought: " Oh well, no harm done". Now I try a different approach.
The people in this place are so very kind and lovely. They embraced me without any suspicion. They accepted me initially and then started to love me. Why? There is always just one explanation: because I loved them and what you send out you receive in return.
But that was not to be all. Another pattern of mine emerged and it has to do with my ex-husband. We are divorced since 2002 yet here I find myself in the middle of one of his 'projects' that has many problems and trying to solve it for him. Interesting. We had our ups and downs in that time and again it felt like a big letting go. No more attachments.
However I felt myself getting attached to the people and to the what I perceive best solution for the hotel. I felt myself fighting for it instead of allowing the process to unfold. The difference now is that I do 'notice' what I am doing and reflect on it. There is so much release and peace in being in that space of 2 pointing that allows me each time to find space/distance between the story and the truth. So I continue to process and transform.
And then my yet biggest personal challenge unfolded.
Here, in the middle of 'no-where' did I meet HIM.
From the moment I saw him first I knew I have seen him before. I actually saw him in one of my soul sessions before I came here and at the time was already surprised.
So why a personal challenge?
The 'old story' of me being used, not being loved as I am, not feeling attractive enough, being insecure and vulnerable emerged !!! I felt pain from this life time of disappointments and that of past ones too. I had to make a choice. Do I go into that pain, that I have avoided for such a long time or do I chose to go into it and see what happens.
Since my dear sister passed over I feel another renewed sense of " I want to leave without any regrets". So there was only one way and that was into that pattern, into that pain and then changing the story!
Again: the outside world is a direct reflection of where I am inside. And since I was in my old space initially that was reflected too. He did not seem interested in 'that' way at all. He seemed to be just about business. Then HE seemed to be about " I tell you everything" and you can help me?
And then something changed. He was happy to have a session with me. Wow!
That opened a whole new world for him. I have never seen anybody ( who was not on that path before) embrace and transform patterns so quick. It was like he stepped into a new world after ONE session. And I have never experienced what I experienced with him in that session before. I was mesmerized.
From then it was a dance between the old and the new, for him as well as for me. I embraced every 'negative' thought or feeling that came up, looked at it and realized it was from a past experience and had nothing to do with him. I struggled, I have been in pain, I curled myself into a fur ball and cried and cried. And then I choose to feel differently, to look at him with no attachments, no past experiences and always see what is there.
In our next session I felt something so beautiful, so spacious, so incredible, so BIG . My field merged with his in total harmony. We 'traveled' thru space and where that union for a moment in time.That was the most intimate feeling I have ever experienced with anyone and it went way beyond any physical touch. If I have to give it a word I would call it Unconditional Love.
While my days continued with much work I decided to do one more step and I did it for ME, not for him. he has still not shown what he feels about me and I let that go. No expectations. I dreamed about Jesus and use him as a metaphor or a concept. I finally 'feel' what he must have felt for everyone. He was so clear about who he was, simply love and light, that all he could 'see' was just that, NO matter how it 'looked' like to us mere mortals. He only saw Unconditional Love. I wanted to gift that to my HIM and I wanted to be totally honest about that to HIM too.
Interestingly enough our communication channels where interrupted by some 'energy!". His emails never reached me, my sms didn't get to him, when he called my phone would not answer. VERY weird.
So I decided to do it the 'old fashioned way" and send him a handwritten letter.
I lay bare all I felt, totally honest and open, despite the fear that he still will reject me/that.I let go!!! of all expectations, all past experiences, all predictions and BOY was that a challenge!!
There is so much more that happened and I may at some point write more about it or do a video. The dance continues between light and darkness,between pull and push, between yes and no. I met him a couple of days after I send him THAT letter and wasn't sure how he would respond. He was so 'normal'. hmmm. He also did not respond to my 'references' that I made about that letter. Interesting I thought. Only to find out a day later that he did not find that letter until the next day. And BOY now he is 'blown away'. He went a whole day into "Revision" as he called it. And now everything from my side is totally open. I let it all go and release myself to the universe.
THAT is the most FREEING Feeling I have ever experienced. I can say I love him, I can say I am in love with him AND can do that without any expectations. I think that is unconditional love as I so far only ever had experienced with my children and my animals.How very beautiful. My body is filled with that feeling and I love it.
And as you know we can only experience in the outside world what we have inside of us will it come as no surprise to you that in order to experience this ind of feeling we have to feel it inside first ( for us). I now can say that I love myself, just as I am. I appreciate myself for who I am not for what I do. I feel my femininity, I feel my strength and neither have anything to do with how I 'look' or what I have'. I feel a surge of power inside that is stronger than before.
Two days ago we had the Christmas party for the staff. I didn't have to organize anything. They did it. Almost all staff came. We had several different nationalities there. I asked one of each to say a few words in their own language about Christmas. We then had a beautiful meal and a secret Santa. I finished that with a speech and thanked them all and told them about darkness and light. I could feel the beautiful loving energy in everyone. They showered with me with gifts, words of love and praise and gratitude for being here. I still feel so very blessed to have had this time, this moment, this love from and for so many of them. That is what LIFE is all about.
And now I count the days before my departure. I have one more big 'challenge' ahead of me (I tell you afterward) and then departure time. I am not a fan of Good by. My son Ben told me once that instead of focusing on the sadness of leaving I should focus on the joy we experience when we see each other again. I shall keep that thought very close to my heart.
What will happen then? I have no idea. However I have trust that my path will unfold, that the solution will find me, that the universe will guide me. That my friends and children will pick me up when I have a moment and need them. And that I am forever grateful to have experienced all of this and felt this feeling ( even if it ever only would have happened once).
Immense gratitude and blessings to all of you my dear soul friends on this journey we call Life.