Do you want to be seen ?

When I go into nature I often get inspired to think about a topic, that get's mirrored back to me right in front of my eyes. 
I saw an amazing colour of a flower today that stared right at me. Everything around this one flower was green or rather dry green ( it is summer). My eyes were fixed on it and I could not look away. Immediately I had many thoughts running through my head. The main one was : standing out. Or in other words : I want to be seen. 

Well do I? There are two strings inside of me pulling from different angles. I have so much I really want to share. I long to connect with my like-minded community. I have learned all the tools and know I can do it. If it wasn't for the fact that in order to do that I need to be seen. 

Why is that so difficult for me?

Am I comparing myself with others and always come short? Do I still think I have nothing worthwhile to share? Do I still think I am ugly ( like my mother used to call me....' the ugly one) ? 
I thought about it and it brought me back to my childhood years. I saw myself wearing very baggy clothes ( which I often still do today). I did not wear bright colours or clothing that would show my body form. And I did not do this on a completely conscious level. I realize now that I did not want to be seen. But just by a special group.

I experienced sexual trauma in my very early years and somehow that created a belief in me that it is safer not to be seen, not to stand out. Even today I do  feel uncomfortable when someone, especially a man, is looking at me too long. Can you relate ?

I am totally aware now that this is really a belief I can let go of. It did surprise me a little that it took me so long to realize that. I have been 2 pointing now for a few years. And when I tell you and told you before that it is a journey, I meant it. I think I have finally really SEEN myself and trust myself and am ready to be seen.

And when I look at that flower standing out beside all the other plants I now feel : YES, I want that ... instead of this feeling of being pulled in two directions. I have now moved beyond that painful story of the past and trust myself.

And I really want that for you too.