Money is evil?
Everything we learn we learn first at home, whatever that ‘home’ may be.
In my first years as a child I did not really think or care about money. My father was an architect, and my mother owned a stationary shop. We were not rich but in our small village we were well off. But as I said I did not really think about it. When we had to go to the shops to buy something our parents gave us the money. When we needed a new pair of shoes, we bought them. We went on holidays. Even to foreign countries like Norway and Denmark and later Spain. When I wanted to join a sports team, my parents paid the fees. When a school trip was offered, I simply asked for that to be paid. There were no obvious restrictions or limitations around money. As I grew older, I sometimes visited my friends at their homes. Most of those places were different. In my observations I did not focus on or realize that those families had less money. I noticed the energy in those homes. It was warmer, friendlier, peaceful, and loving.
Little did I know about the very subtle beliefs that I subsequently ‘created’ around the topic money.
You see, my home was everything but peaceful. The atmosphere was fear, cruelty, violence, abuse. There was no lack of money but a complete lack of love. Both my parents worked full time. My father even was a workaholic. We were property to him, like the picket fence (in our case a brick wall), the house and the car. Dressed in good clothes to portrait the perfect picture to the outside world.
I still did not make a conscious connection to money then. To me it seemed irrelevant. It was there. They worked hard for it. Emotionally it did not touch me because I could not see a connection.
Until later…
In my early teenage years, I discovered the first ‘restrictions and conditions’ around money. I was not allowed to buy some pants I really wanted, not because they were too expensive, but they did not ‘suit’ our family. My mother, after being beaten once again, would say things like: Well I do have my benefits too. What she meant was her financial freedom. She could buy what she wanted, she could travel wherever she wanted, even with her friends, she could shop, and dress and she could buy things for us. That’s when I made my first strong conscious connection. At what ‘price’! (my thoughts when she argued with financial freedom).
My brother started to feel trapped in that cycle too. He was deeply afraid of my father yet also felt really dependant on his money. My brother was starting an apprenticeship, but the little money was not enough for him to constantly invite his friends to go for dinners or drinks and to own and run a car. And then I saw the dependency and realized: money is evil.
My goal was for that to never happen to me. I would not be dependant on a husband financially and I would earn my own with hard work.
And I did.
I left home as soon as I could and started my career in the hospitality industry. That was I could feed my desire to travel and work at the same time. I earned good money, always had more than enough, and felt independent. (there is also a story to that ‘cost’ but that is one for later).
My first issues around money would come back when I was in a relationship. I married for the wrong reasons (repeating a family pattern), moved to New Zealand (which was ultimately the best that I could have done) and started a family. NOW I was dependant for a time on my husband to provide for the family and since I ‘learned’ as a child, that a father would do that, I initially had no doubt that he would now do that for us. Since money never really seemed to have an emotional connection with me, I trusted him and even signed a contract where we borrowed money for a business. My perspective was we would both works hard and at the same time have a comfortable enough life (financially). But my dreams were shattered. My now ex husband had a different idea about working and creating money and providing for the family. Because he grew up in a different ‘setting’.
Very soon I realized for the first time what it means to WORRY about money, especially about not having enough. Having 3 incredibly young children in a foreign country with no ability to work and being dependant on a ‘Peter Pan’ would create a long journey of fear and worry about money for me.
Suddenly I could at least relate to my mother. I never had a debt in my life. I always paid my bills on time. And now…… this was so uncomfortable. I felt ashamed, betrayed, lost, in despair.
The atmosphere at home started to be hostile. Loud voices, fighting, frustration. I was exhausted. My solution: work harder. So, I did. That’s what I learned at home. Working harder will be the solution.
It was not.
And then I made the decision. I knew what a violent and hostile ‘home’ did to my siblings and myself. That was NOT going to happen for my children. I left. 3 children under 5 years of age. In New Zealand. On my own.
I never regretted it. The NZ government helped. I also knew I wanted to be with my children and be there for them. So, I borrowed money in my name and bought a preschool and ran that for years.
Money was tight. Sometimes very tight. But I never blamed the money. I started to look at money with more knowledge and being more conscious of what it represents. My 3 children and I had a wonderful time growing into a really loving family. Our home was loving and open for all who needed a home too. These were physically my hardest years but emotionally the most rewarding of my entire life. I broke the pattern of my family and created a place that I, when I was little, really longed for. And money cannot buy that.
In the years that followed I would be in fear each time I received an envelop with a bill I knew I could not pay. I would be ashamed at the counter in the grocery store when my card was declined. I was too ashamed to ask for help. Instead I worked more and more.
Until I found a method in my personal development journey that helped me to transform that fear. To release all beliefs I had around money, dependency from it, the lack of it or too much of it. The underlying statements for e.g.: you must work hard to earn money. Money does not grow on trees. Money is evil. And for me the biggest one: You can either earn good money OR have a happy family home.
Oh, how much are we influenced by what we learn and observe in those early years. I started my transformation process ‘late’ and yet it was just in time. I now know that money is like everything else just energy. Energy cannot be increased or decreased. It can only shift form. Money to us is more the feeling of abundance. When I FEEL abundant inside, I will send out that energy and since like attracts like it will return to me. Money wants to flow. I learned how to nurture that feeling of abundance by walking in nature, observing the sunshine on the water, listening to birds, connecting with all there is and realizing there is more than enough of everything for everyone.
My principal of my family ALWAYS comes first has not changed. What has changed is my beliefs around the concept of money, the dependency it did create in my family and the desire to become free from that.
I now belief I can earn good money AND have a happy family home.
Everything is possible. You can start NOW, right from where you are. It is never too late, and it is ALWAYS the perfect time to start.
If you feel the pull, ask me how.
Love and Light and joyful smiles to you.
Catrin
