Show me your heart and I shall show you mine
In the middle of this week I had an overwhelming sense of sadness, loneliness and frustration taking me by surprise and engaging fully with me , my senses and my body. I had no idea where it was coming from.
Needless to say that ideas and feelings like: ' I am a loser - I can't do anything - there is no one in my life who believes in me - why do I continue? came up. They even haunted me in my sleep. The person that broke my teenage heart entered my dreams and I searched desperately to find him and ask him questions , see him one more time and wondered would would have been if...
Have you ever felt something similar? You are doing all the 'work', changing the way you think, making a conscious effort to transform limiting patterns and you have some wonderful results. And then it hits you! The difference now is that I was immediately aware what was going on, yet that doesn't make the feeling any more comfortable or less 'real'. I am tired of hiding my innermost thoughts and feelings. I still have a problem with people seeing me 'weak' and I am so aware that all my soul wants is to show to everyone else that we all have wounds, we all have times where we feel desperate, we all have moments. It is normal and I guess healthy in a way too.
There is no joy without sadness. We do live in a world of duality and the pendulum swings to both sides and it reaches the same intensity on one and on the other side. I am prepared to experience and feel that now yet I don't like to show myself when it swings to the other side.
How can I change that? Well I guess writing this post is a start. A few of you will read about this and that is my start to lift my mask when I am in those moments and show you how I feel. I invite you to do the same. It is only a moment! I know and experience that it doesn't last forever. The pendulum does not stop.
The journey is NOT about being positive and happy and abundant all the time. These are great qualities yet they have another side to the coin to them. I am tired of avoiding the other side. So just by writing to you here I am deciding to take a first step to being fully present in al moments, accepting them for what they are : moments.... and feel them fully too. I believe healing can only take place when the heart opens. For a lot of us that is painful and we rather not go there. However I think it may be necessary and it would be so much easier if we can share those moments, have support, know it is just a moment that will pass and know that the pendulum will swing to the other side.
I KNOW I am not a loser or any of those above statements that entered my mind a few days ago. However in that moment it feels 'real'. The feeling is real. Maybe it is also a way for us to be humble again, to understand the suffering of so many better, to stay connected with all aspects of reality. Maybe it is just a part of being human. I am deciding to accept it for what it is and to make an effort to take my mask off when I have one of those moments and to share my deep routed feelings of insecurity.
And my hope is that by doing so I help you to do the same.
Love and Light and Joyful Smiles AND tears of sadness to you