The story ends here

Re-connecting.
Time is a concept and so is our life story. It is a way to explain to our limited brain comprehension a very complex and yet once grasped very simple idea. The difficulty is not , at least in my opinion, to understand this concept, but how to implement the consequences it has for each in our very own and unique way.
I finally have to come to understand on a very deep level what this 'life' that we are leading really is. In order to understand this I did go deep into the areas of my being that were dark and scary, that I did not like to look at, that I was ashamed of, that I felt guilty about. And even writing these words only will bring up connotations for each of you about what these words mean to you. Words or rather more concepts. How do you explain life when everything around you/ us does not seem to make any sense at all anymore. Why do we still cling on to the idea of a 'better place/world' when what we 'have' is already perfect as it is, only in a different sense.
What I see at the moment is the breaking of the veil. On the one side the idea or story of our lives and on the other side the truth. Yet I am aware that the truth is very individual and that we all have our very own truth#s depending on what we find deeply buried in our subconscious mind. I want to help you see the picture I am attempting to paint... I looked at my life , that of this lifetime, and have worked over many years to understand what life means and why I found myself in a place that was dark most of the time. I found many answers, many ideas, many solutions. Yet none seemed to transform the deepest ideas that I had about life. No law of attraction could completely explain injustice for me, no forgiveness rituals helped my inner child to grow to experience joy, religion definitely was not the answer and many self help gurus or big marketers were only looking at how life can be easy and happy all the time.
I think not that that is what life is. 
I told you a while ago I set out to find out what unconditional love is ( apart from that which I experience for my children). I have come to understand that we learn EVERYTHING about life when we go and learn about that in relationships. 'Why ?' you may ask. Because when we look at everything we do with the question in mind ' what would unconditional love do?' AND are brutally honest with ourselves and OBSERVE all that goes with it : our emotions, our thoughts, our mess, our jealousy, our hatred, our schemes, our games, our masks, our shame, our guilt , then we may find ourselves in a place with complete acceptance for ourselves and ultimately all else - because we know that all is inter connected.
And then we will slowly release those emotions, and thoughts  and shame and guilt and all else because we understand none of that is our very own. None of that is who we are. All IS just an experience. And the biggest problem we humans have is to believe the experience is our life is who we are is what life is AND to make matters worse to judge those experiences.
Please think about it for a moment: When I say the word guilt.... what comes to mind? Please follow that train of thought. You may feel guilty about something, something you have done in the past, something you are doing right now, something you omitted doing ( but feel you should have). Now ask yourselves who told you that are are guilty? Your parents ? Your spouse? Your teacher ? etc etc? You yourself? And then... why did they tell you? Where do they get their judgment from? You will find when you deeper and deeper it will lead you to past generations, culture, religion and for the sake of a concept or an idea it will lead you to Adam and Eve. Please forget the religious stuff and see what they represent as a metaphor. They had no idea what is right and wrong UNTIL they ate the apple  or in other words someone told them what is right and wrong. That concept did lead me to the universe again and my battle with injustice on this planet. And physical laws help me to understand that the universe is not judging . There is no right or wrong- There is only energy. And Emery goes where energy flows. in other words focus on an idea or thought with plenty of energy ( mostly emotions) and the manifestation in the physical world will follow. When you think often enough ( in your language, in your thoughts in your emotions) for e.g. 'I don#t deserve to be happy' guess what? You will experience situations and circumstances that proof to you that you are right. 
That lead me to various techniques and ways to release thoughts and emotions. Yeah it felt better. However I realized that life is a culmination and matrix of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and that it is vital to address all of them to release what I call energy blocks on all levels. And then there is more. Everything is energy. Nature has always been my place of healing and nurturing and wonder. Nature in itself for me is obvious proof that there is something 'bigger' , more majestic, more wise  than any living being on this or any other planet. 
And although I have always felt that I have not fully acknowledged or incorporated that into my own being, in my thoughts, in my belief. And that is what I was missing!

RE-connect
for me means to finally merge with all that is on all levels including that majestic and wise and magical . When I did that everything made sense. For that moment!
Yes, I acknowledge this is a process. I had glimpses of what it means. Life IS all and nothing, as I mentioned once before. In computer terms there is nothing but numbers, a matrix. In quantum physics there is 'nothing' ( that our human eyes can see) or unlimited potential. The unlimited potential is all the different ways one experiences any given moment, in all its colors and shapes and sizes and tastes and in all its glory and messiness. the concept of Jesus or the persona if you like did understand that. All is valid. All plays a part in this massive universe that in itself is all build out of imagination. Our very own story is really a creation of thoughts focused thoughts that only then started to manifest in the form of shapes and colors etc, that our imagined bodies and minds could understand.
In the end I realized there is nothing , there is no story. There is 'only' a most fascinating, incredibly intelligent wisdom that I am a part of and that has offered me the opportunity to experience this wisdom and magic in the form of a body with senses, and a brain to think and co-create and most of all a connection place to understand that all on a very profound level: the heart. The heart is the connection to that All IS. The heart allows us to feel as one, to harmonize with all that is in waves of sound and tones of music and the feeling of home. Home meaning Oneness. The heart is pulsating the energy of unconditional love, that which we all are, resonating with people, situations and circumstances that pulsate on the same frequency ( I stay away from the story on purpose). That explains why even the 'toughest people' get teary when confronted with baby's and small animals and moments of rare and unprecedented beauty ( like a sunset over the sea, or a piece of music that stir rs up old memories, a look into the eyes of your beloved animal, an unexpected act of kindness in your hour of need). 
I believe that is Home and that is what we all long for. 
And the long way of suffering begins when we start our journey home, because we lost our way, and start to look outside of us for that Home. While all the while it lies dormant, sometimes buried deep inside of us, waiting to be rediscovered and reconnected with. No Partner can ever full fill that feeling of Home. He or she can only mirror to us how far away or how close we are to finding out the truth ( that is is in us). That journey is often very painful indeed as I have discovered myself quiet often. 
However .... I believe it is all worth it. Once you have had a glimpse of the truth the world will never look the same. You will never look at yourself the same. You will know like Albert Einstein found out late in his life that the most powerful energy there is , which I believe IS life itself, is unconditional love. I encourage you to look for that which you are in any way that gives joy to you. Every method is valid, there are no better or worse ways, all is your way, to your truth, in your time. Let me assure you that I am still battling with my story at times. Being aware of something and having it fully integrated are two different pairs of shoes. But I had moments in my last year where I wanted to give up. Where I just wanted to have a break for a change . And I know there will be more difficult times coming. But they are as everything else only imagination, and it is easier to deal with that. 
Life as you live it is 'real'. I touch my skin, I eat food, I smell and I cry and laugh. All that is 'real'. 
All I want to say is that this 'Reality' is a gift. That we are privileged to experience it on this level and that I want to be more mindful of that with all my daily decisions I am making. Each ray of sunshine then becomes a blessing, each bird in my garden a spirit, each connection with another human a way to re-connect with all there is and to experience everything with a sense of wonder, knowing what an incredible possibility we all are.

Everything is Light and Information has a much deeper meaning for me now. 
Unconditional Love and Light from me to you

Catrin