Was all this work for nothing?
As most of you know or gathered I am a very big fan of developing personal skills and working with my ‘inside’. It is fair to say that I have read many books on those topics over the years and participated in workshops or training sessions.
My main motivation seemed to have been “There must be something else”. I have that thought and desire to find this ‘something else’ since I am a little girl. So I have been looking, searching, working with different methods and tools and had the impression that I gained a better understanding of how this life on planet earth works from a spiritual point of view. Some things resonated, others didn’t. Yet, I certainly feel that I have put a fair amount of energy, work and money into this journey.
And then, 4 years ago, I discovered 2 pointing.
The experience I had after 1 weekend workshop was so profound that I instantly knew that this is a tool I wanted to know more about. It opened up another dimension I have never experienced before. Suddenly there was something else rather then: there must be something else. I discovered one answer after another for all the questions about life I was still holding.
I discovered who I really am (and ultimately all of us) and first that was mainly intellectually. Gradually I had experiences that turned the understanding into knowing. I learned to appreciate all of life and to look at everything from a different perspective. That does change everything. I am now aware that all of what we experience is and always will be a reflection of our interaction with all there is. Translated for some that may sound like: I become what I think about. I receive what I vibrate. I interact with the plasma organism that is all, in the form of becoming consciously aware that I am actually doing this.
Concepts have always fascinated me. I also love the metaphysical and science. I always try to describe very complex items in a way that a child can understand it. Because there is no value for me or anyone else really to be able to explain the deep quantum physic aspects of our existence if we cannot ‘translate’ it and apply it in our daily lives that we are experiencing as our reality. It is all good to say I am a plasma being or I am a spiritual being living in a physical body having an experience here on planet earth to experience duality. But what exactly does that mean? How does that look like daily? How can I feel this, sense this, know this as my truth on all levels?
You see and that part still drives me.
I had an experience lately that questioned all the work I do and all the awareness I gathered. I found myself in a situation where I felt that someone attacked me as a person in front of other people. In that moment and the following days (!) all I could do is FEEL hurt and ACT from that hurt. All the tools that I had accumulated in that moment and time of hurt were helpless. Needless to say this was very old hurt. The person just triggered a very old wound and now it burst open. And how did I respond or should I say react?
In the only way I had learned at the time when I was a kid to react to someone who bullies me. Fight back in the same way.
The interesting part for me was that I convinced myself in that moment that I have to do this for ‘justice’. That person was not allowed to get away with it.
After I retaliated I did not feel better at all. That whole incident was still dominating and occupying my day, my mind and my body.
So was all my work to get a better understanding of this world, to be present in each moment and to find that ‘there must be something else place’ all my knowledge I gained for nothing?
Well and here is what I think. Even the answer to this question is what I have learned we all have and hardly exercise consciously.
It is my choice.
No one can make that decision for me and there is no right or wrong answer to this question. It is my choice and my decision how I view this.
And THAT is ‘the something else’. In each and every moment, weather consciously or not I am choosing how I feel, what I think, what decision I make, which path I walk on, how I perceive this world.
Recognizing that I HAVE a choice, that life is not a fixed circumstance given to me and I have to simply bear it, was and is all worth it ( the work). Enlightenment to me does not mean that I am always 24/7 that being/person that is always in their centre, in peace and all that goes with it. Enlightenment to me means that I have become aware that I have a choice in every moment and that I am interacting as an intrinsic part of the universe. And when I look into the fact that all is plasma in a sense and the way I ‘see’ this plasma is in the form of other humans, nature, animals, colours, shapes and forms I am choosing to be in awe as that seems like miraculous to me. I am but a tiny dot in the soup of this consciousness yet I am part of the whole experience. Good, as we label and judge it and bad. Isn’t that simply amazing? . I am so grateful to have discovered this ancient tool that ultimately gives me peace of mind.
So what do I do with that ‘moment’ I had, where I obviously have forgotten all this awareness and found myself right in the middle of the soup but totally asleep? Well I am choosing to believe that it is part of being here. To show me also the way that does not lead forwards. The way that does not lead to expansion or joy. And I am sure that I will be a little more aware and capable of recognizing who I really am and acting from that the next time. I am choosing to accept that this is a part of me too and one that I send as much love and light as my joy and awareness. And one that I am certain I will experience again. And I am o.k. with that too.
After all you need some ‘spice’ to make this soup of consciousness tasty.