What happens when your love life fades?

By Elayne Lane

Many people experience sexual shut-down at some point in their lives, yet to make love and be loved is something most of us aspire to.   There are many reasons for this...

A person may have had a major operation or serious illness which has shut down their sexual energy.
Long term stress, death of a loved one or a traumatic event may shut a person down.
We get hormonally out of balance and, well, just don’t feel like sex anymore.
We are angry with our partner that they don’t make love to us in a way that we enjoy.
A person may have experienced sexual abuse.     For many it is a traumatic experience that stays in their bodies throughout their relationships and often it acts as a hindrance in creating a healthy love life.
The energy in your meridians become out of balance which impairs your ability to sustain your sexual energy for a long period of time, so a person wants to avoid sex.
Orgasms don’t turn up and a person feels inadequate.
Sex is painful.

There are some wonderful services that can help people after a traumatic event, and often people do use them.   But what happens after that?  Whilst some people end up having a healthy love life, others remain closed off.

The good news is that there are some positive steps we can take to open up again.    First we need to admit there is a difficulty and then be prepared to do something about it.    It’s all done in small steps over a period of time; it needs courage and a strong motivation to move forward.    And yes much can be done!!!

Here are some suggestions:

1.  If you have no sex drive then go to a good naturopath to check your hormones are in balance.   If we have excessive stress or emotional upset in our lives, drink alcohol or take drugs then this can affect our body’s chemistry.    Hormonal imbalance and a toxic liver is one of the main reasons we have no interest in sex.

2.     Do you receive loving, nurturing touch that gives you pleasure regularly?    I’m not talking about deep tissue massage here, I’m talking about the massage that connects you with your body and feels delicious.    This kind of massage can help you reconnect with your sensuality in a safe place where you know there will be no sexual demands.     You can control what happens and go at your own pace.   This type of massage gives you time to process the feelings within your body that you may not have processed on a mental level.  Choose your therapist wisely, often a same sex therapist is helpful as they are less threatening – at least until you are comfortable in your own body.   Explain why you are there and ask if they are willing to help you explore your body.   Practice asking for what you want, saying stop, redefining what you want and also saying when something feels nice.

3.   Ignite your sexual energy:   There is some very good chi kung practices called the Tao of Healing Love which helps open up your natural sexual energy and connect it with your heart.   These gentle and simple practices run alongside the Six Healing Sounds which convert negative feelings into positive ones.

4.   Sex therapy is another option where there is sexual dysfunction such as lack of orgasms, painful sex, unable to get in the mood.   Talking Sometimes with someone who is skilled in this area to help us move forward.

5.  At times we completely forget how to connect with our partner.   Lying together breathing at the same pace with the intention to connect and then talking about the experience brings about a connection. 

6.   Also slow sex down so that you are able to notice how you are feeling.   Whenever you feel uncomfortable ask your partner to stop.   Take a few deep breaths and concentrate on the discomfort.   You might talk to your partner about how you feel or you might just wish to acknowledge to yourself the felt sense in your body.  When you are ready, carry on until the next sensation occurs.    Sometimes the felt sense is delicious and sometimes it feels uncomfortable.   In both cases your attention, breath and acknowledgement helps to heal the body.

7.  Give yourself permission to feel sexy again.   You could:  Buy some new underwear that feels comfortable and sexy.  Dress up.   Dance.   Have a date night.     And most of all enjoy it!

8.  Have some counselling.     Much can be done to heal the hurts of the past.    Yes it does take work, time, commitment and courage.     Yet this is a journey of self discovery and opening up, and in the long term can bring you and your partner great pleasure.    So don’t put yourself aside – you are worth the effort.

For more information visit www.sexualitynz.com